Linkage

National Center for Victims of Crime.
http://www.ncvc.org/ncvc/main.aspx?dbName=DocumentViewer&DocumentID=32361

Happy New Year

When the clock struck 12:00AM, on New Years Day, I was not kissed. A gesture so simple to everyone, is so personal and meaningful to me now, that it can't be negotiated with tradition.

Change is good.

My New Year resolution, is to try and make this blog, noticed. Thus the move. If all goes as planned, I will eventually get a unique domain name which will allow for easier access. I am devoting some of my time to making this not only a haven for myself but others, with similar stores, as well. I will begin blogging once a day, no matter the content from this point on. I need this, survivors need this.

Again, if you (the reader) know of any place to advertise this, or can get me in contact with anyone who might be interested in the subject matter, please do so, with my blessing.

Happy new year to us all.

I saw you today.

I saw you today, inside the store. It took only a second for me to recognize your face. Fight of flight kicked in, once again and I ran from the store. You still have control over me. You looked so smug. What you didn't know is how, in that mere second, I thought about how many different ways I would like to kill you, or at least mutilate you in a way that would never allow you to do, what you did to me again.I came home and submerged myself in music, in art, in isolation. I fell asleep. I woke up at 3:30am, and the thoughts were back.

The difference between you and me is, I have a small amounts of
dignity
sanity
empathy
faith
strength

What I can't allow myself to follow through with, time will.

I hope your hourglass is becoming bottom heavy.

walls

In order to stay alive, I have to keep the walls high. With every touch I am reminded of that initial touch, that first tug, when he grabbed me and took me outside, to his car, to where it happened. I do not wish death upon anyone, but I do wish death upon these feelings, it would be nice to feel anything else, just once, again.

I am trying.

I speak but I am never genuine. I rely on humor (mostly sarcasm), in order to keep everyone arms-length. If everything I say sounds like a joke, no one will pick up on my real emotions. I will purposefully make myself clumsy, tripping over imaginary barriers, just so people laugh and do not have time to 'investigate'. If they really knew how I felt, how hopeless, abandoned, shameful..they would not view me in the same light. They would see me as an object in need of sympathy and I can't handle that.

I am but a zombie, numb. When one experiences no emotion other than emptiness, then they have a hard time accomplishing anything. My internship has failed. I am withdrawing on Monday. I can't fnd it in myself to be empathic for others when I can't even be empathic for myself. School feels like punishment. Hours upon hours of psychology and sociology studies, that make me feel incompetent. I am at a cross roads but I don't have the energy to pick a path. Would MapQuest help?

trapped.

I am feeling trapped. Trapped by memories and false promises.