Sunday, January 2, 2011

I am trying.

I speak but I am never genuine. I rely on humor (mostly sarcasm), in order to keep everyone arms-length. If everything I say sounds like a joke, no one will pick up on my real emotions. I will purposefully make myself clumsy, tripping over imaginary barriers, just so people laugh and do not have time to 'investigate'. If they really knew how I felt, how hopeless, abandoned, shameful..they would not view me in the same light. They would see me as an object in need of sympathy and I can't handle that.

I am but a zombie, numb. When one experiences no emotion other than emptiness, then they have a hard time accomplishing anything. My internship has failed. I am withdrawing on Monday. I can't fnd it in myself to be empathic for others when I can't even be empathic for myself. School feels like punishment. Hours upon hours of psychology and sociology studies, that make me feel incompetent. I am at a cross roads but I don't have the energy to pick a path. Would MapQuest help?

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